looking back

wow so it has been about a year since my last blog. In that time real healing had begun. It is ok to say now..the subject of most of my posts was my mother. The last two years had been hell..seeing the hurt and confusion that had been caused in my family was nothing any of us had ever expected. Only now i see everything differently. In November she passed away..she was so young..and we were so not prepared. She always told me that time heals all wounds..only time seems to just be making the pain worse. The more time goes by the more i miss her..the more i regret things i said to her or didn't say to her. I go throughout the day thinking of all the things she is missing, all the things i am missing. I was expecting so much more time..there are so many things i still wanted to learn from her....and now...its just all gone!! So many things were taken for granted..so many moments i wish i could remember...all the struggles we went through to get to finally be so close..and then she is just ripped from my world..and even though i love my husband and my children so very much..i now feel just so alone!! She always knew exactly what to say all the time..and how to get me where i needed to be..I feel more like a child now than i ever have..i may be 32 years old..but i feel like a 10 year old that has lost the whole world...i hate this...i hate the sadness that just won't leave...the only time i don't feel it is when i am so busy that my body just shuts down at the end of the day..and i know thats not fair to my family..but it is the only way i don't think about it all day long...aaahhh when is this pain going to die down...I am so good at putting on that smiling face..ha! she taught me that..but truth is inside i feel like i am dying all the time...i just want this to stop...