change

everyone says change is good. I think some change is good....but some of it, well i just don't know. Because this change hurts. There are times where i can make myself cold and uncaring..scratch that i can be really good at pretending not to care. I wish you hadn't told me your past..i wish i didn't know those things about you. I wish I could only see his side and not yours. I wish that i could scream and yell at you. Sometimes i wish i didn't love you. I always wanted to know you..well..becuase i am the black sheep. all 3 of you are brilliant..have some kind of crazy talent...my talent..has always been...listening. Why that. Do you know that i ask god for anything but that? Do you know that when i was younger i actually considered that because my aunt is so crazy that maybee you did take me from her. I always joked about it..but there was a time i actually thought it. Do you know that is scares me that i can hurt my daughter the way u hurt me..not the now hurt. The hurt i felt growing up. Now, ....now i am just confused. Do i want what i want because i always felt like i didn't belong? Or do i want what i want because it really is who i am? How can you just say..well i'm truly sorry i am hurting the three of you but i just want to be happy? So we never made you happy? Do you know that now i have to prepare to even see you...and once you or i have left it takes me forever to recover!! aaahhh I was so over emotional eating and now thats all i want to do!! but that makes me think of you to..becuase your crazy mother was obsessed with weight and in turn so were you..and now me too..U INFURIATE ME!!!!! Sometimes i wish i could turn it off and not love or care about you! I don't want to think about you or what you are doing! I don't want to wonder if all this change will ever stop...I don't want to be scared about what will happen if you go through with this..or what it will mean for my kids!! I want to beat his face in!!! I want to physically hurt him the way he is emotionally hurting the rest of us. I hate change!! I used to think that change ment growth..now becuase of you change means hurt!!!! So thats what i think of your change!!!